TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
MY ADAPTATION FOR LOVE

Lillian Glass, a California based communication and psychology expert said she coined the term toxic relationship in her book “TOXIC PEOPLE”. She defined toxic relationship as any relationship between people who do not support each other, where there is conflict and one seek to undermine other, where there is competition, where there is disrespect and lack of cohesiveness

Toxic relationships are characterized by a lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and frequent lying. Often one partner is prioritized instead of coming together as a team. While toxic relationships can, at times, be healed, both partners must be willing to adapt and work on the relationship.
A toxic relationship can become a healthy relationship if both partners are willing to put in the work and communicate honestly.
Signs of a toxic relationship include lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and feeling drained.
Both partners can fix a toxic relationship if they try therapy, reflective listening, and honesty.
The line between healthy and unhealthy relationships can be quickly crossed and it may be difficult to identify, even with signs that might seem obvious to others.

*Here’s how to recognize seven signs of a toxic or abusive relationship and how to address it in healthy and safe ways.

1. Lack of trust
   A partner is someone for you to rely on, to be vulnerable with, and to have in your corner. In the absence of trust, none of these things are possible.
   “When I see people in a mostly healthy relationship, there is a security that they have in the stability in their relationship. “Without trust, and not just trust that their partner will be faithful, but trust that their partner will behave
   best interest of the agreements of the relationship, there cannot be a sense of security.”
2. Hostile communication
   Hostile communication can cause tension and create further distrust between partners. Rather, healthy relationships rely on open communication, cooling down before things get too heated, and respect.
   Hostile communications include:
   Yelling
   Name-calling or other hurtful phraforce. Throwing and breaking things
   Using your body for physical intimidation or force.
   The silent treatment
   Using ‘you-statements’ or blaming statements
   Constantly interrupting
   Listening to respond instead of listening to hear and understand your partner.
3. Controlling behaviors
   Your partner doesn’t have the right to control your actions or beliefs. According to Woodfin, one controlling behavior to look out for is threatening loss of something, such as financial stability, time with your children, or companionship. “These threats strike fear in many people and I find these are the reasons many, many people stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships even when wishing for the relationship to end.

signs of controlling behavior include

Telling you what’s right
Threatening to out you
Needing to know everything you do and who you’re with
Trying to manage your money
Secluding you from loved ones or always being present when you are with others
Acting like you don’t know what you’re talking about
Requiring access to your personal devices such as phone or email accounts.

4. Frequent lying
   When a partner lies to you, it signals they don’t respect you as a mutual partner who deserves honesty and care.

“Lying to your partner indicates your allegiance is to yourself, not the relationship.

5. All take, no give
   If your relationship consistently revolves around what makes your partner happy and ignores your needs, it can be a sign of toxicity.
   “Being considerate of your partner is one thing, but if you find yourself saying no to yourself frequently to say yes to them, you might want to consider setting some boundaries,” says Lewis. “If they dismiss, belittle, or bulldoze your boundaries, that could also be a sign of a toxic relationship.”
6. You feel drained
   Think about the last time you did something for yourself, spent time — even virtually — with a loved one, or slept soundly.

“It is helpful to examine how your connections outside of the relationship and with yourself have been affected. “Usually, self-care and self-prioritization are neglected. Time and mental energy in toxic relationships will often be spent on the other person — either directly or indirectly through the backlash of unremitting discord and strife.”
Try shifting some of your energy to take care of yourself and see how your partner reacts. If their response is negative, that signals toxic traits in the relationship.

7. You’re making excuses for their behavior
   Do you often find yourself forced into a position to defend your partner?

While it’s easy to fall back on the mentality of ‘you don’t know them like I do,’ an outside perspective from someone you know loves you— such as a friend or family member you trust — may be able to clearly see your partner’s negative characteristics that are hard to acknowledge yourself.

HOW TO GET HELP ON TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
If your motivation for staying in the relationship isn’t your care for the other person but fear of or disinterest in being single, it may be time to give up the relationship. If one partner refuses to work on the relationship, repeatedly acts poorly — such as breaking relationship agreements, or belittling — or is emotionally, physically, financially, or sexually abusive, it’s time to make a plan to leave the relationship.

It is possible to mend a toxic relationship in certain instances — and when each partner is committed to trying. The relationship must become healthy and mutually beneficial for any potential to continue. If possible, meeting with a counselor is a great step to take.

“Working with a couples therapist or coach helps provide a neutral space to talk about issues, and a skilled and non-judgmental party to witness your challenges and help you find new solutions to old problems.

There are clear markers of an abusive relationship that has no healthy future
signs of an abusive relationship include:

Physical, emotional, and sexual violence
Coercion
relationship
Isolation
Intense fear of what might happen if you leave the relationship.

CONCLUSION :
Toxic relationships are characterized by a lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and frequent lying. Often one partner is prioritized instead of as a team. While toxic relationships can, at times, be healed, both partners must be willing to adapt and work on the relationship.

If you are in an abusive relationship and are able to, contact a loved one for support and assistance making an exit plan. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being in an abusive relationship, and anyone who shames you is in the wrong.

“Try to bring your full self in a relationship, and that includes your intuition. “Trust in yourself to make a decision that will benefit your wellbeing not only in the short term but longer-term as well.”

CLEMENT HOPE OBODO
Consultant Marital Therapy

How to create value in a relationship.

Most women place so much importance and attention on their body making it looks like all they got is their body, it gets to the stage where it looks like that’s the only value they have while there are many value women have.
Most men place so much importance on their strength, money or their income making it looks like that’s all they can offer in marriage or relationship.
Some see sex as a reward for good deed that men do for them.
The mindset of some of these women have made some men to expect nothing more than sex when they have or about to help women.
Instead of using your body/sex as the only means of exchange why not create other values?

Many have been asking how they can create value, considering the high rate of mispriority among us, putting unimportant thing first is the lifestyle of people who has no value.

Guidelines for creating value.
[1] To create value, one has to place the important thing first, anything that attracts much attention of people from different class and background has value. To create value is to pay more attention to the things you do or have.
If you really want to make yourself valuable then you need to pay more attention to yourself, this principle of paying attention to yourself can work in business, relationship, marriage or production of any commodity, it implies that you need to pay attention to those things first.
paying attention to your marriage and relationship is the first step to creating value in it because from paying attention you will be able to identify what is needed in the relationship and a way to provide.

[2] Brainstorming: This is the second stage of creating value in a relationship, at this stage you need to think and gather ideas from different places for personal analysis, ask questions from reliable source to clear your doubts, quest and to get opinions or alternative to the challenges or difficulties you discovered by paying attention to your relationship.

[3] problem solving skills: At this stage, solving problems without complications should be the goal. No one leaves any relationship that solves their problems, that is why most people still hook around an abusive relationship even when their life is at stake, they think of their needs and what they stand to lose if they go, once there is no other means of solving such problem they still stay.
Men also don’t leave women who have the ability to solve some of the problems they can’t solve even when the feeling is not there, the fact that you solve problem at ease makes them to always come back to you crawling.

[4] Build yourself and be Updated: You should not remain stagnant, you need to upgrade yourself, find something new doing, develop a new goal and work towards it, make yourself busy with the things you love and be good at it, ensure it contribute and has a positive impacts in your relationship. you don’t need to be same person with same style every time.

[5] Accept change and Adapt: Change is constant and having this mindset will help you not to be taken unaware, people must not be you and you must not be them so adapting with the consideration of your mental health is the key. Once you have accepted the changes and adapt to them then you should go back to stage one which is paying attention, from there you start all over.