Why so many single ladies are not yet married.

Have you seen a happy depressed person, someone who is passing through alot and yet smile out loud,play alot and do as if nothing is happening.

This set of people tries to be strong for the people around them,they don’t want to be pitied or called a loser.
Their outburst is very dangerous,most times it is good to be human,cry if you want to cry, shout,be scared and do anything that is normal for anyone that is emotionally hurt because it is a process of healing, don’t hold yourself trying to be strong,speak out.

Being strong doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak out ,it doesn’t mean you are weak when you cry. Suppressing emotions for too long have a negative effects. It’s advicable to talk to a counselor or any matured person you can trust.
Alot of persons in a relationship or marriage undergo this kind of situation,so many single ladies are faced with so much oppression from their peers, the thought of not getting married yet while their friends have and this thoughts brings about bad energy that influences their decision and actions, some die in silence , suppressing feelings and acting like everything is fine but the failed to understand that the only thing that is making not getting married among women looks like a big thing is because, every women has a dream man,the kind of man they want or desire.
If it’s just to get married, many single women would have gotten married even as second or third wife.some because of how they see marriage,rush into it to feel accomplished but on the long run wished they were single.That she is single doesn’t mean no man is coming for her,she is either working to get herself ready in all round ,have not seen the kind of man she wants or that she doesn’t even know what she wants or not doing the right thing.

It is best one talks to a counselor in this kind of situation for the sake of their mental health.

How To Get Over A Breakup.

Heartbreak!!!

Before you think of not reading through just know that there are people you may need to teach or support when they are heartbroken.
😢😭😭😭😭

More than an average of persons in a relationship have been heartbroken before.

It looks like a virus,if you have not experience this ,you will.

Most times,break ups comes with reconciliation, understanding of ones partner and sometimes it is a goodbye to the one we really care.

The effects of breakups has a major role to play in our new or future relationship and it may be good or bad, above all,it is always a lesson but one need to be careful not to repeat same mistake and also to know that we are different.

The feeling that comes as a result of heartbreaks can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, moodswings etc and that is why it is advisable to seek help from professional Counselors, alot of persons maybe wondering how to get access to a professional Counselor at cheaper amount, you can by, logging to
www.thesolacezone.com
Or call 08169339653

I will be discussing on how you can get over heartbreaks.

On a scale of 1 to torturous, getting your heart broken is a solid “absolutely awful.” Most of us have been there at some point, left wondering how to get over a broken heart.

While there’s no surefire way to avoid heartbreak (unless you’re an unfeeling robot, of course), there is a way through it, even if, at the moment, you truly believe you’ll never be happy again.

Here, three experts share advice for how to get over a broken heart.

1. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
   When somebody breaks up with you, you’re going to feel a flood of emotions, says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It’s a trauma. It’s a shock to your system.” And as with any type of emotional shock, “you want to be really gentle with yourself and you want to allow yourself to feel your feelings,” she says. After all, your feelings are there for a reason—they can help you move through difficult experiences, but only if you release them.

In the days following the breakup, allow yourself to cry and acknowledge that a breakup is like any other type of loss. With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. “You’re going to go through those in your own way, in your own time,” says Hendrix. And during the process, validate your feelings by saying things like “Why wouldn’t I feel like way?” and “Of course I’m experiencing this emotion.”

2. But don’t become your feelings.
   Though it’s important to express your feelings, it’s also important to stop short of becoming them, says Hendrix. So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, do whatever you need to do to let your emotions flow freely, she says. But when those 60 minutes are up, stop and move on to something else.
3. Cut off communication with your ex.
   There’s a scientific reason heartbreak hurts so much: You actually go through withdrawal-like symptoms after a breakup because the feel-good hormones you got from your partner are suddenly gone, says Elle Huerta, founder of Mend, an app and online community designed to help people post-breakup. “When your partner is no longer there, you start to crave those feel-good hormones,” she explains. “If you give in to this feeling and see your ex again, you’ll struggle to move forward and find yourself stuck months and maybe even years later.

Cutting off all contact in the beginning is healthy, It allows you to break your attachment to your former partner. That said, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about contacting your ex, she adds. Brief, occasional communication—like “Hey, could we talk for a few minutes? I’m having a hard time with this”—could be okay. Just be cautious that those “innocent check-ins” don’t become a habit. “Every time you talk to them, you open up another energy tie between you, and your goal is to break those energetic ties, not to keep creating them,” says Hendrix.

4. Find a support system.
   Call two or three people you really care about and let them know what you’re going through, says Hendrix: “A lot of people love you and they want to support you, but often they don’t know how because you’re not telling them.”

Opening up to others may bring catharsis in return. “Most everyone has been on the receiving end of a breakup at one time or another, and commiserating with them, sharing experiences, getting counsel, being reminded you’re not alone, can be highly beneficial.

5. Exercise.
   Breaking a sweat may be the last thing you want to do when you’re wallowing, but trust: It can help. “The endorphins produced during exercise will help with the withdrawal symptoms post-breakup, and it also helps you build confidence in yourself,” says Huerta.
6. Remember what sucked.
   A common response post-breakup is to idealize the other person, says Hendrix. And while you don’t want to deny that there were good parts of your relationship, you also don’t want to fixate on them. To find the middle ground, write a list of all the negative aspects of your former partner/relationship and look at it on the reg. “This mental exercise helps counterbalance all the obsessive thinking you will probably be experiencing around what you miss about your ex and why they were so great—even if they weren’t.
7. Take care of yourself.
   All three experts agree that taking care of yourself in the midst of heartbreak is key. Check in with yourself throughout the day and ask: What do I need? says Hendrix. Maybe it’s a healthy salad, maybe it’s a hot bath, maybe it’s a phone call with a friend.

Also, know that feelings of rejection and diminished self-worth could trigger unhealthy responses like over- or undereating or substance abuse, which could lead to a depressive spiral, says Porter. “Exercise, nutrition, and proper sleep will raise the floor on how bad you feel,” he adds.

8. Don’t judge the length of your healing process.
   “Don’t equate the time of healing with the time of your relationship,” says Hendrix. Even “almost relationships” can cause enormous heartbreak, says Huerta.

“A lot of times people are like, ‘Well, I was only with them for six months. Why am I devastated?’” says Hendrix. “Because you fell for them in six months and you’ve gotten super attached and you started spending every day and night together for a while. Your six months is like somebody else’s two years. So whatever you feel, honor that.” In truth, how long it takes to get over an ex depends on a variety of factors, including the narrative you tell yourself.

9. Don’t internalize the breakup.
   In the aftermath of a difficult split, avoid thinking, I’m not good enough—there’s something wrong with me, says Porter. Instead, situate the problem in the relationship (if not in your partner), he says.
10. Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors.
    Try to understand any impulses you may be having, like texting your ex, checking their Instagram every hour, or replaying every damn detail of your last weekend together. These urges are part of the natural withdrawal process that happens after heartbreak, but don’t let yourself overindulge in obsessive behaviors (like analyzing every aspect of your relationship until 4 a.m.), says Hendrix. If you find yourself spending significant time in this frame of mind, it might be wise to reach out to a coach or therapist for support.
11. Be intentional about your happiness.

If all you want is to be happy,you have to be intentional about it, says Johnsteve, hiring a counselor can help you through this healing process.

Confidants Solace Zone.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
MY ADAPTATION FOR LOVE

Lillian Glass, a California based communication and psychology expert said she coined the term toxic relationship in her book “TOXIC PEOPLE”. She defined toxic relationship as any relationship between people who do not support each other, where there is conflict and one seek to undermine other, where there is competition, where there is disrespect and lack of cohesiveness

Toxic relationships are characterized by a lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and frequent lying. Often one partner is prioritized instead of coming together as a team. While toxic relationships can, at times, be healed, both partners must be willing to adapt and work on the relationship.
A toxic relationship can become a healthy relationship if both partners are willing to put in the work and communicate honestly.
Signs of a toxic relationship include lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and feeling drained.
Both partners can fix a toxic relationship if they try therapy, reflective listening, and honesty.
The line between healthy and unhealthy relationships can be quickly crossed and it may be difficult to identify, even with signs that might seem obvious to others.

*Here’s how to recognize seven signs of a toxic or abusive relationship and how to address it in healthy and safe ways.

1. Lack of trust
   A partner is someone for you to rely on, to be vulnerable with, and to have in your corner. In the absence of trust, none of these things are possible.
   “When I see people in a mostly healthy relationship, there is a security that they have in the stability in their relationship. “Without trust, and not just trust that their partner will be faithful, but trust that their partner will behave
   best interest of the agreements of the relationship, there cannot be a sense of security.”
2. Hostile communication
   Hostile communication can cause tension and create further distrust between partners. Rather, healthy relationships rely on open communication, cooling down before things get too heated, and respect.
   Hostile communications include:
   Yelling
   Name-calling or other hurtful phraforce. Throwing and breaking things
   Using your body for physical intimidation or force.
   The silent treatment
   Using ‘you-statements’ or blaming statements
   Constantly interrupting
   Listening to respond instead of listening to hear and understand your partner.
3. Controlling behaviors
   Your partner doesn’t have the right to control your actions or beliefs. According to Woodfin, one controlling behavior to look out for is threatening loss of something, such as financial stability, time with your children, or companionship. “These threats strike fear in many people and I find these are the reasons many, many people stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships even when wishing for the relationship to end.

signs of controlling behavior include

Telling you what’s right
Threatening to out you
Needing to know everything you do and who you’re with
Trying to manage your money
Secluding you from loved ones or always being present when you are with others
Acting like you don’t know what you’re talking about
Requiring access to your personal devices such as phone or email accounts.

4. Frequent lying
   When a partner lies to you, it signals they don’t respect you as a mutual partner who deserves honesty and care.

“Lying to your partner indicates your allegiance is to yourself, not the relationship.

5. All take, no give
   If your relationship consistently revolves around what makes your partner happy and ignores your needs, it can be a sign of toxicity.
   “Being considerate of your partner is one thing, but if you find yourself saying no to yourself frequently to say yes to them, you might want to consider setting some boundaries,” says Lewis. “If they dismiss, belittle, or bulldoze your boundaries, that could also be a sign of a toxic relationship.”
6. You feel drained
   Think about the last time you did something for yourself, spent time — even virtually — with a loved one, or slept soundly.

“It is helpful to examine how your connections outside of the relationship and with yourself have been affected. “Usually, self-care and self-prioritization are neglected. Time and mental energy in toxic relationships will often be spent on the other person — either directly or indirectly through the backlash of unremitting discord and strife.”
Try shifting some of your energy to take care of yourself and see how your partner reacts. If their response is negative, that signals toxic traits in the relationship.

7. You’re making excuses for their behavior
   Do you often find yourself forced into a position to defend your partner?

While it’s easy to fall back on the mentality of ‘you don’t know them like I do,’ an outside perspective from someone you know loves you— such as a friend or family member you trust — may be able to clearly see your partner’s negative characteristics that are hard to acknowledge yourself.

HOW TO GET HELP ON TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
If your motivation for staying in the relationship isn’t your care for the other person but fear of or disinterest in being single, it may be time to give up the relationship. If one partner refuses to work on the relationship, repeatedly acts poorly — such as breaking relationship agreements, or belittling — or is emotionally, physically, financially, or sexually abusive, it’s time to make a plan to leave the relationship.

It is possible to mend a toxic relationship in certain instances — and when each partner is committed to trying. The relationship must become healthy and mutually beneficial for any potential to continue. If possible, meeting with a counselor is a great step to take.

“Working with a couples therapist or coach helps provide a neutral space to talk about issues, and a skilled and non-judgmental party to witness your challenges and help you find new solutions to old problems.

There are clear markers of an abusive relationship that has no healthy future
signs of an abusive relationship include:

Physical, emotional, and sexual violence
Coercion
relationship
Isolation
Intense fear of what might happen if you leave the relationship.

CONCLUSION :
Toxic relationships are characterized by a lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and frequent lying. Often one partner is prioritized instead of as a team. While toxic relationships can, at times, be healed, both partners must be willing to adapt and work on the relationship.

If you are in an abusive relationship and are able to, contact a loved one for support and assistance making an exit plan. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being in an abusive relationship, and anyone who shames you is in the wrong.

“Try to bring your full self in a relationship, and that includes your intuition. “Trust in yourself to make a decision that will benefit your wellbeing not only in the short term but longer-term as well.”

CLEMENT HOPE OBODO
Consultant Marital Therapy

How to create value in a relationship.

Most women place so much importance and attention on their body making it looks like all they got is their body, it gets to the stage where it looks like that’s the only value they have while there are many value women have.
Most men place so much importance on their strength, money or their income making it looks like that’s all they can offer in marriage or relationship.
Some see sex as a reward for good deed that men do for them.
The mindset of some of these women have made some men to expect nothing more than sex when they have or about to help women.
Instead of using your body/sex as the only means of exchange why not create other values?

Many have been asking how they can create value, considering the high rate of mispriority among us, putting unimportant thing first is the lifestyle of people who has no value.

Guidelines for creating value.
[1] To create value, one has to place the important thing first, anything that attracts much attention of people from different class and background has value. To create value is to pay more attention to the things you do or have.
If you really want to make yourself valuable then you need to pay more attention to yourself, this principle of paying attention to yourself can work in business, relationship, marriage or production of any commodity, it implies that you need to pay attention to those things first.
paying attention to your marriage and relationship is the first step to creating value in it because from paying attention you will be able to identify what is needed in the relationship and a way to provide.

[2] Brainstorming: This is the second stage of creating value in a relationship, at this stage you need to think and gather ideas from different places for personal analysis, ask questions from reliable source to clear your doubts, quest and to get opinions or alternative to the challenges or difficulties you discovered by paying attention to your relationship.

[3] problem solving skills: At this stage, solving problems without complications should be the goal. No one leaves any relationship that solves their problems, that is why most people still hook around an abusive relationship even when their life is at stake, they think of their needs and what they stand to lose if they go, once there is no other means of solving such problem they still stay.
Men also don’t leave women who have the ability to solve some of the problems they can’t solve even when the feeling is not there, the fact that you solve problem at ease makes them to always come back to you crawling.

[4] Build yourself and be Updated: You should not remain stagnant, you need to upgrade yourself, find something new doing, develop a new goal and work towards it, make yourself busy with the things you love and be good at it, ensure it contribute and has a positive impacts in your relationship. you don’t need to be same person with same style every time.

[5] Accept change and Adapt: Change is constant and having this mindset will help you not to be taken unaware, people must not be you and you must not be them so adapting with the consideration of your mental health is the key. Once you have accepted the changes and adapt to them then you should go back to stage one which is paying attention, from there you start all over.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship and a way out

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” JK ROWLING, Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix (2003)

Love must start…
Compatibility is the key of a good and everlasting companionship. Coexisting in harmony is a sign to level up a deeper relationship. Marrying someone is the result of love for one another.

In this Generation Z, many married couples are prone to divorce due to infidelity, money issues, and the like. Is it true that they are falling out of love? What is the root cause of the problem? What are the signs? Is there a way out? How to manage from a toxic relationship to a healthy relationship? Does LOVE REALLY HURT?

Indifference is negligence of interest to care for someone else. You no longer want to sacrifice for the sake of others. It creates an incalculable, intangible pain that destroys someone’s heart for a long period of time. Carelessness ruins. Desolation follows.

Here are some nasty signs of an Abusive Relationship that couples undergo when they get bored and stressed:

Manipulating
It is a behaviour of controlling someone’s actions and emotions using deceitful tactics in order to get what they want. You are being forced to do something because they will put a “guilt” inside of you.
Dealing with a puppeteer/manipulator is dangerous because they exploit you whether it be financially, emotionally, socially etc

Yelling
Raising of voice is an indication of anger directly or indirectly to someone whom you can easily defeat. It is barking at the wrong tree.

People commonly use shouting as a gateway to release tension and stress. It is normal to shout occasionally but regular disagreements intensified in shouting turns to be unhealthy.
A bawler instills “fear” in his subject to condition the victim’s mind to bow down in his supremacy over him or her.

Bullying
They use derogatory names to insult and tease their partner. This leads to physical bullying like hitting, pushing, kicking etc. They may also vandalize other important things, ruining, hiding and stealing.
A browbeater masks his self-confidence by inflicting intimidation on a weaker individual.

Threatening
To say that you will harm someone or do something unpleasant or unwanted especially in order to make someone do what you want. : to be something that is likely to cause harm to someone (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
Giving a statement to cause someone to get harmed, lost, endangered and treated roughly.
This type of emotional abuse must take into consideration the possible facts that will happen in the future. Better to keep evidence or records and try to report it to the authorities. Beware of cowing!

Blaming
To pinpoint the fault to someone for something that happened negatively. The blamer usually takes the role of being the victim.

Silent treatment
Avoiding communication is putting an invisible massive barrier to someone. This creates a misunderstanding.
Whatever the reason is,give a chance for communication between both of you and be ready to accept the consequences if it can help.
Giving a cold shoulder for a long period of time will endanger your relationship. Failure to resolve the issues will end the relationship.

Punishment
It is a rough treatment given to someone who committed a mistake. It is a tool to stop you from doing those unacceptable gestures.
The fault-finders will do everything in their power to control you. For example, If you’ve done something wrong, they will cut off your ATM/Master card.

Isolation
You are locked up in the house without anyone knowing. The captor won’t let you go out of the house alone or use gadgets. A captor is very good at acting to be a good person. He is clever.
You must learn the hand signals for domestic violence.

What to do

Being in an abusive relationship, always remember to know your worth as an individual.

Never ever respond with hatred. Try to be calm when talking to the abuser. Don’t allow yourself to be in a heated argument. Use low tone when communicating to the abuser. He/she will cool down as soon as he recognizes that you are submitting to everything he wants you to do.

Always remember NOT TO ADD FUEL TO THE FLAME.

The abuser won’t allow you to use any devices to alarm your family, relatives, friends or the authorities. He will be there by your side if you need to speak with them. Be alert! It is safe to learn the hand signal for domestic violence. Save some evidence that you are being abused by him or her.

If there is a possibility of escaping, you must do it. Run for your life! Never ever look back.

If you are married, it is not that easy to cut off ties with your spouse. Try to resolve it by pleasing him or her. Pray always. Help him to trust you.

If you can’t handle it yourself, please contact a counsellor to help you deal with resolving your issues. There are professional counselors who will assist you to fix your marriage problems @ www.thesolacezone.com

Does love hurt? NO, it does not. Being indifferent and neglecting your special one’s value is the most heartbreaking way that he/she will ever feel. Never make the one you love feel alone especially when you are right there. Put your feet on your spouse’s shoes before doing anything that makes him/her lonely or unsafe.

Don’t ever endanger someone’s life. You do not have the right to make someone’s value lower than yours. Put in mind that we are all imperfect yet we have the same right to live happily.

Mahatma Gandhi states, “Where there is love, there is life.”